you used jane against me. and i cried because of it. the name alone makes me want to cry. you asked if i "needed to lose a friend for each vice? not the cutting but for the smoking and drinking?" because i already last one for cutting and i wish so so very much that i could take it back. because regardless of the time that's passed, i can't seem to get over it. i want to. i want to so badly. i hate her. hate the fiber of her being. but i know that if she ever talked to me again, i would get over what i feel and take her back like nothing happened.
i know that i'm a hypocrite. i get so mad when i hear about people cutting and people that committed suicide, or try to. and it's no different than what i did.
you tell me that she loved me so much that she had to go through it too. you tell me she loved me and only knew one way to do it. you tell me that what she did didn't work. that you'll stay and 'hold my hand'. but i hate it. i hate feeling like this. i hate it. omg this sucks. i hate that i can't get past this. i hate that you used her against me and i hate that it worked.
but why am i still dwelling over this? why can't i just get over it? god dangit i'm so stupid.